Marriage and the veil of liberalism 

A week before the lockdown, my husband and I had gone for the late-night show of Thappad. My husband was unusually quiet after the movie. Down the escalator, till the car he didn’t say a single word. Once we were in the car, he looked at me earnestly and said, “I am sorry. I am so sorry for everything.” I quietly replied, “I appreciate it, but its not okay.”

My husband has never hit me. He has never abused me in any way. In fact, he is a very liberal and open-minded sort of person. Our marriage has all the traits of a fairly modern marriage. We can talk honestly and openly about almost anything. We value each other’s views and opinions most of the times. He consults me on all things big and small. I have a say in most decisions at home and work. I can stay out as late as him, wear anything I please, drink and smoke and party as hard as I like…. with or without him.

In spite of all this, patriarchy exists in our relationship. It has existed since the day we got married 15 years ago. It exists pretty much the same way it exists in the marriages of most of my like-minded urban friends and cousins. It is so deeply entrenched in each and every of our marriages, our liberal husbands don’t even notice it and we pseudo-feminist women most often choose to ignore it to maintain peace and happiness in the household.

Being married for 15 years teaches you to be practical and not expect any drastic changes or surprises. But that night I slept with a flicker of hope things might change. He had noticed through the movie the small things I had been arguing and fighting about. He had understood the source of my disappointments and disagreements. My husband probably could now place every debate and heated discussion I had had in the past several years into context. But not to my surprise, nothing changed. Not even a bit.

Over the past few months, I have given this a great deal of thought. Why is patriarchy so ingrained in the behavior of many of my liberal, well-educated, financially well-off, well-travelled, metro-dwelling male friends and cousins? All these men believe in the equality of genders in concept at an intellectual level. We have spent several evenings discussing and debating such subjects and rarely would one come across any sort of bias or preference these men have towards their own sex. Then why does their behavior in their personal lives on a day to day basis reflect differently?

One of the most drastic changes women notice in their husbands is when they turn from boyfriends or fiancés into husbands. Women most often complain that their husbands never took them for granted or set any rules for them before marriage. They paid a great deal of attention to the small likes and dislikes of their partners and loved them for who they were without expecting any change. It was a relationship of equals. Invariably these qualities of equality and sensitivity tend to attract the women, but suddenly after marriage these very attributes change and it is hard to understand this altered person they are living with. Especially when most women are trying to cope with a great deal of change and newness as they often tend to move into the husband’s house with in-laws and a whole new way of life. On the other hand, girlfriends who turn into wives tend to give their 100% because this man is now their life partner. Why is there this mismatch in the behavior of the couple? Do men tend to have a sense of ownership towards their wives and thus start taking them for granted and feel they no longer need to nurture and value the individual who is rightfully theirs now?

Statements like ‘this is unacceptable’, ‘I have given you all the freedom’, ‘you will have to’, ‘my parents disapprove’, ‘we permit you to’, ‘in our house this is the way’, ‘my mom prefers it this way’, ‘I know, but for society some norms need to be followed’, ‘don’t back answer to my cousins’, ‘no need to show your intelligence in front of the elders of the family’, ‘don’t participate in the business discussions outside the bedroom’, ‘I don’t think this is important’, ‘you are making a big deal out of a small thing’, ‘if you don’t do this, then’ and many more start cropping up in daily conversations.

Men tend to inherently believe they have the right to allow or disallow their wives from doing things. They feel they have a right to decide what acceptable behavior, clothes, habits, timings are. Somewhere they feel they are providing the freedom under which the wife lives and she has a lot to be grateful for. They fear their partners intelligence may offend other men. They invariably tend to believe what they are saying or doing is more important, their or the family’s needs a priority over the wife’s. Many statements made by husbands are in the form of subtle threats and warn of repercussions. A husband invariably ends up comparing himself and his wife’s freedom to more conservative families or the previous generation which has been more orthodox in their beliefs.

Another aspect a woman most often notices is a man’s expectation of unwavering support from his wife in any situation. A man expects his wife to stand by him in public, in family scenarios, amongst friend but does not feel the need to reciprocate the same. Similarly, what he is doing at work or any endeavor or hobby he has undertaken, his ideas and opinions about something, what he is feeling emotionally or any difficulty he is going through seems of utmost importance to the man and he expects his wife’s support and understanding whereas oftentimes, what she is doing, feeling, saying or going through seems trivial to the man.

Generally, in the Indian scenario, men are the primary bread winners and this in turn leads to a sense of entitlement. Even in many well-off liberal families, women are expected to ask men before making any major financial expenditure for the household like purchasing a washing machine, refrigerator, television or for themselves like an expensive outfit or piece of jewelry. Men expect to be involved and have a say in everything in the house apart from the mundane like which coffee or pressure cooker to buy whereas they do not think it necessary to consult their wife before investing in new machinery or buying a new printer for the office. There is no denial this stems in part from the point of view of affordability and availability of finances. But apart from approving the financial viability of a certain purchase decision, men want to be involved in the decision-making process of which product is a priority for the household, which brand to go for, from where it should be purchased and so on.

Being the primary bread winner also tends to give husbands a certain sense of authority and superiority. Knowingly or unknowingly most husbands threaten their wives with ‘who puts the bread on the table’ or ‘rupaiya kaun kamata hain’ logic. In the Indian context, husbands often believe wives can’t earn as much as them (which may be partly true because of our system and not because of a lack of intelligence or capability) and thus they have an upper hand.

Husbands also tend to believe wives need to cater to their likes and dislikes, whims and fancies. Variants of these statements are repeatedly heard in every household… ‘why have you called your friends over when I am at home?’ vs ‘couple of my friends are coming at 5pm… cold coffee and sandwiches karre kya?’ ‘why have you got readymade ghee? Ghar ke ghee ka taste hi alag hota hain.’ vs ‘what is that yuk smell? Why do you have to make ghee when I am in the house?’ ‘please don’t plan anything for the next few days. I have work to finish and I really don’t feel like socializing’ vs ‘I am going out tonight with the guys and day after my school gang is catching up.’ ‘I think we are not spending enough quality time with the kids’ vs ‘please engage the kids, I need my time’.

Even though many forward-thinking husbands will deny this, men inherently believe some jobs are the primary responsibilities of women in a household. Raring children, parent-teacher meetings, children’s homework, assignments and exams, smooth functioning of the house, entertaining and waiting on guests, kitchen, finding and maintaining house help etc. are considered women’s jobs. Men feel proud of themselves if they support or help in any small or big way in any of these responsibilities whereas the wife, however well she does it is rarely acknowledged or appreciated for her multi-tasking.

Husbands also tend to place a lot of importance on their ‘me time’. Be it their need to exercise or play a sport or their need to read and catch up on news or their desire to complete a series on Netflix or Amazon Prime or their bathroom time or their phone time or their sleep or anything else. On the other hand, it is very simple for a man to say… this is more pressing, why don’t you miss Zumba today or you are so engrossed in that novel that you are not realizing the kids are hungry!

There are so many more such things, small and big which a man feels are his privilege and ‘adhikar’ and however educated, forward thinking, believer in equality he may be, it reflects in his behavior and day to day life. But why do our modern husbands behave this way even when it is pointed out to them? Why do they continue with the discrimination in spite of knowing it? Why do they shut their ears or divert the topic when these ‘avghad prashana’ are raised?

There is no easy answer to this and there are many factors which contribute to this patriarchal behavior in even the most liberal men.

Historically men hunted or gathered while women looked after the children. Civilizations evolved around a distribution of work between men and women and with the advent of money, the bread winner gained more importance over the care-taker. Similarly, qualities such as aggression, strength, ability to take worldly pressure and burden began to be associated with men while softer traits like kindness, creating a happy and healthy home, caring, empathy came to be viewed as effeminate qualities.

For thousands of years marriages were public social contracts and wives were viewed as property and a necessity to propagate your genes. Marriages were more about acquiring a kingdom, land or social status. They were about providing a home and protection to a woman. Love is a considerably new phenomenon when it comes to marriage. All of history, mythology and the stories we grow up reading and listening have an impact on our mindsets and actions.

Social conditioning since millennia shapes the way we act, think and behave. Our minds are preconditioned with patriarchal statements since childhood. All our rituals and practices teach us that the man is superior to the woman – ‘nav ghene’, mangalsutra, sindoor, karva chauth or ‘vatasavitri’. We grow up on statements like ‘man of the world’, ‘trophy wife’, ‘joru ka gulam’. We are taught certain behaviors are acceptable for men only like drinking, smoking, staying out late. We see our dads and brothers roam about shirtless, sprawl their legs, burp and fart loudly but girls are taught to even sit properly from a very young age. Our documentations, legal necessities, even our names bear our father’s or husband’s names. Society has placed the man on a pedestal since time immoral and the woman has always been treated as a second-class citizen.

The values and rules followed in our families while growing up have a deep influence on shaping our mindsets and beliefs. The importance given to the father by the mother, the preference for a male child, the differentiation between a boy and girl in terms of expectations in household chores, the presence or absence of subtle sacrifices made by the mother, male domination in the house, prevalence of physical or emotional abuse, the presence or lack of equality between our parents, having a strong or weak mother all play a very important role on how we behave in our relationships.

Parents often teach their married daughters the virtues of sacrifice and adjustment. They tell their daughters to be more accommodating and giving. They advise their daughters to be strong and forgiving.

On the other hand, sons deal with family pressure and expectations of certain type of manly-behavior. Some of their actions could only be to maintain peace in the family and not disappoint their parents.

Women too lead their husbands to believe they are superior. They play into the system, place their husbands on a pedestal, crave his attention and approval and appreciation, want to prove they are good bahus and wives and mothers, place husband’s and family’s need over their own.

Another significant factor is many behaviors are a matter of habit. If a boy never picked his plate, or folded his bedcover, or put his clothes for a wash or dried his towel or helped in the house, it is unlikely he will do those things when he grows up out of sheer habit.

Also, even after knowing and understanding everything, it is obvious why taking the effort to change or alter their behaviors is not a priority for men. The system benefits the man greatly. Changing the small little behavioral patterns would inconvenience his day-to-day life to a great extent.  It would be a big bother. It is just too convenient to turn a blind eye and ignore the patriarchal attitude.

To ensure I had understood the reasons correctly, I spoke to some of my male friends. Almost all of them are strongly against physical abuse even in the form of just a single slap. None of them approve of emotional abuse either. They all believe equality should exist in any marriage in the form of freedom of thought, speech, choice, open communication and conversation, right to express opinions and differences, respect for each partners’ work, parents, views etc. At the same time most of them accept patriarchy exists in their marriages and blame society, upbringing, habit, convenience and so on. Though they do not believe qualities are masculine or feminine, most of them have chosen to be less sensitive. They acknowledge being the primary bread winner gives them a sense of having the upper hand and so on. But changing the order of things is not a priority for them. According to them, it does not affect them directly and there are too many things on the plate to bother with the presence of patriarchy or some unfairness in their marriages.

Then what is the solution to this? Shall we accept this as the way the world works and circumstances for women will improve slowly but surely from one generation to the next? Or should we strive to make our lives and relationships and those of the generations to follow happier and more equitable?

If we desire change, women will have to take steps to free themselves of the shackles of inequitable values and principles passed down the generations by their grandmothers and mothers and aunts and older sisters. From the first day in a marriage a woman should be the person she intends to be for the rest of her life. She should put her foot down on the first instance of injustice based on gender. She should demand equal rights, voice, freedom….basically, same values, rules and principles for all in the family. Women should not permit the feeling of ‘adhikar’ or display a feeling of devotion towards the husband or his family. Every wife should place her needs equal to her husband and every other member of the family. Women should stop trying to explain every act, craving approval and appreciation through wifely and motherly acts and so on. And most importantly we will have to stop being our own enemies and instead support and help each other.

As for men, at the expense of some inconvenience they should make a conscious effort to stop themselves from taking advantage of a system which benefits them at the cost of the partner. It may be prudent to give up the conveniences and alter habits in exchange for a fairer and fuller relationship which comes out of love and respect rather than the lack of options or choice for the wife. The marriage would be more meaningful to both if one does not feel compelled to do certain things only to maintain peace or avoid arguments and disagreements in the family. Men also need to be brave enough to shed the burden of society, family, upbringing etc.

If marriage is a social contract which now also incorporates love, we could all work on eradicating patriarchy and building equality as a principle. Each marriage can be based on a practical and fair framework agreed upon by both parties through discussions and debates. This framework should feel fair to both parties and both partners should feel they are putting an equal effort into the relationship emotionally as well as in terms of sharing responsibilities. Having such a framework would also make it simpler to have the difficult conversations in a relationship without attributing blame and shame. The framework should be updated and upgraded from time to time to incorporate changes and suit the requirements of the couple based on life-stage. Another important factor could be imbibing and practicing a strong sense of respect for each other’s views, opinions, choices and so on without having any sense of privilege or superiority.

Finally, the choice is ours. If we desire, we can make our marriages a happier, healthier and more equitable space to live in for both partners.

Aditi Munot

aditi.munot@gmail.com